PRIDE // a sad journey

Posted this awhile ago but must've accidentally placed it under Private. :/

Not a very exciting day at all. My cold sore fucking broke out like a disgusting MOTHER FUCKER and its done and pissed me off to an insane degree. Its so fucking gross. I'm not even going to school tomorrow because of it, its THAT BAD. It was seriously almost fucking GONE, and then BOOM... Like the fucking a-bomb went off on my FACE. I'm so fucking gross-looking it kills me. But Clayton keeps trying to cheer me up since I've been in SUCH a gloomy mood because of it. Plus it not only itches like a bitch, but it HURTS like a bitch too. I had to drag myself out of bed and him too and decided to go over to Grants because his house is always so dim and whatnot.

Really, that was all we did. We ran back and forth a couple of times to my house and once to Keatons to get some stuff for Clayton's eczema and the charger for the PSP, but that was it. Mostly we sat around and RPed and watched Grant draw this AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS picture he's been working on. I mean. This shit. Is fucking... GRADE-A-GORGEOUS. I was fucking flawed. He gets into SO MUCH detail on every, single, little piece of... detail, that there could possibly be. Its not even funny. Its insane. I-N-S-A-N-E. I'll have to post it once I get a hold of it. But seriously. Shes going to be one of the characters in the game he, Clayton, and I are making. >3

Other than that though, nothing much. Tomorrow I have to wake up at SEVEN FUCKING THIRTY, and go pick his ass up, so we can go job-hunting. *yawn* I am so unenthused. I WAS enthused because I WAS going to be doing this too, but since my explosive cold sore, nothing doing. I'll grab a few applications, sure, but goddamnit... like I told my mother, right now, -I- wouldn't hire me. Its that fucking gross and... BIG.

But yeah, as I said, that was basically it. A very big nothing day. Now heres to hoping, praying, and dreaming, that my cold sore diminishes with UNGODLY speed tonight. ; A ;

Yesterday I woke and went to go pick Clayton up, and then brought him home where we chilled for awhile. We finally headed over to Miller Road, and stopped in the Popcorn Wagon real fast since I had never been in there before, and bought popcorn balls... He got an orange one, and I got a banana one. They ended up being really good. * ¬ * After that we loped over to the Secretary of State building where we waited a bit before he finally got his ID taken care of. God, it just made us both SO happy that we could FINALLY get that dealt with.

After that we went back home because Kerri needed the car. I ended up having to wash some dishes, and then took a shower, and by the time I got out, got dressed, and walked into my kitchen, I heard someone knocking at the back door. I kind of bit my lip a bit, not sure who it was and all, but was quite happy to find Alex standing there. I hadn't talked to her in awhile, so I was kind of surprised, especially when she offered me four tickets to Cage Fighting at the Perani. Apparently, she won them on a radio show, and then her and her family ended up getting Red Wings tickets, and thus, they ended up getting handed over to me. I was geeked, and I KNEW Clayton was going to be geeked about it too, which he was.

Oh, and I also was happy to learn that Clayton hadn't planned on going to talk to Megan and Keaton on this day. Here I was thinking we were going to have to do that, but apparently, no, that wasn't the case. We ARE going TODAY though to do that. :/

It was an interesting experience to say the least, the cage fighting... There really weren't that many people there, which I heard was because of the Red Wings game and the fact that there were a lot of peoples homecomings this weekend. There was this horrid old-man rock band there, and we were sitting like, RIGHT in front of them, so it was absolute MURDER for us. It was so bad, at one point, they asked "Can we rock you one more time!?" and everyone came back at them with the conclusive "NO!" ........but they did anyway. :/ It was so sad, they asked like four times, and they kept saying no. I really felt a bit bad for them.

The fighting ranged from boring, to mediocre, to vaguely entertaining. The lacking crowd and horrible music may not have helped so much. :/ But it was, overall, quite fun, and a nice way to pass the time, too. Since JUST before Alex brought me those tickets, Clayton and I were twiddling our thumbs debating what the hell we wanted to do anyway. Plus there were a few hot man bodies to ogle. >D

Afterwards we chilled at Grants for like, a hot ten minutes, before I wanted to go. I was fucking exhausted, I don't know why... I just... ended up passing out once I hit the bed.

Yesterday, after washing dishes, showering, crazy awesome shower sex, making sandwiches, and all of that good stuff, Clayton and I departed for this surprise picnic destination he's had in store for me the past few days.

We ended up at Stepping Stone Falls...

This place... was... just... JAWDROPPINGLY gorgeous. I fucking adored it. I mean, I was squeeling and hugging all over him... And it was amazingly inspiring... And just looking at the.... well, stepping stone falls, with the seaweed (I guess thats what it is) on the steps, glistening under the water... It reminded me of some ancient place from a story, or a video game... it was quite enchanting. We walked around, ate our sandwiches, fed my leftover crust to the ducks (and some conniving seagulls) and went on our way. I swear... I loved it. I want to go there again. And again. And again. It kills me how pretty it is.

So after this we went back over to Keatons, since he and Megan had gone to some Magic pre-release thing. We sat around and gawked over a House marathon for a couple of hours before heading back to my house and digging into some kielbasa. After leaving, we stopped by to see Nicci and grab some of his stuff, and then headed back over to Keatons, where he, Megan, and Andrew now were.

And so, it began. The night of the Abyss. It was pretty fucking splendiferous. Yeah. I said that. Apparently Shane had bought his sisters some Grey Goose, but they didn't like it, so he brought it over for us to partake in. Upon realizing we all wanted to play Tales of the Abyss though, Megan and I departed once more, for my house, to get my controllers. So Megan got to see my house, meet my dad, and meet Reno, whom she loved. She also seemed to really like my room, too, even though its a pigsty and a half. >.>; .... ^ ^;;;

Anyway. So then we went off on Abyssing. Megan didn't want to play, but Keaton was fucking LOVING playing as Natalia, and then of course I played Guy and Clayton did Anise, and Andrew came in and acted as Jade. Since it was overly easy, we decided to switch up the difficulty level to Hard... And oh dear lord the fun ensued. SO.

We went to the Oasis, and then started heading for the Zao Ruins... I got to be first player since I 'know where I'm going' and they just want to bash attack buttons.... ; A ; I just wanna bash attack buttons too, damnit! *sigh* But anyway. So we got to the fight against Largo and Sync... and OH. My. GOD. It was... insane. We died like, five or six times, trying to beat these bitches, and it just was NOT working. It was SO much fun though. Because we're all sitting there like, "Ok, we need to do this, and this, and you need to do this, and I'll do this, and you attack him, while he attacks him." It was insane how much strategizing we ended up having to do for this. But it made it ALL the more awesome... for when we FINALLY beat the fuckers. FINALLY. I mean... dglkajdgkjaewjkghzvd

It was intense, it really was. I can't wait to do it again. Its just so much fun playing with four players, AND on hard mode. I could seriously die at how much awesome it was.

OH! And, Keaton informed me that a friend of his accidentally bought two XBox360's off eBay, and is selling one for a hundred bucks... I am SO trying to jump on that as best I can. O_O I told him I was definately interested, so he said when I get it just to give him that money and he'll talk to his friend. :3

But alas... I must cease this rambling for the time being, for I needeth a shower. I pretty much PASSED out when I got home (and by pass out, I mean, fell on my floor, and played Shadow Hearts for an hour, before OFFICIALLY passing out), and I reek of cigarette smoke and probably alcohol, I know I spilled it on myself... I think. Oh well.

But today should be fun too. Clayton should be coming over relatively soon, and then he should be mowing the lawn, and I'll have to repay him, and then HOPEFULLY we'll have some money... maybe. Not sure if the parentals have enough to give at the moment, but at the very least, we'll have some coming. :3

So, the past two days have been... amazing.

So as I'd described the other day, I had to watch Jayden pretty early in the day to about two or so. Clayton and Keaton were cleaning the apartment, and Megan was coming over. So I drove over there once my duties were fulfilled, but not in any simple fashion, no. I actually did my hair. I had been complaining that Clayton always wears that hat, and he combatted with the fact that I don't do anything special with my hair, so on this day, I decided to do so. I guess I also had the desire to feel pretty, too, so it wasn't just that he said it... Anyway.

So I walk up the stairs and Keaton was looking out the bathroom window at me, and then proceeded to open the door. As I walked into the kitchen Clayton was washing dishes, and he smiled at me... this most... beautiful smile. I seriously, could have dropped dead in bliss right there. And it just... made everything so nice. We hugged, we kissed, it was like something had changed... He told me my hair looked nice, and that he liked and appreciated it, and... God, I felt so good. It was amazing what a small change like that could do. I dunno.

Then I proceeded to offer my dish-washing services, which were happily accepted, and shortly after that we went... somewhere? God, where did we go...? We went and got food, thats right, and as we were driving, with me completely not expecting it, he asked if I would like for him to spend the night. I was SO happy, I seriously freaking squeeked in surprise and joy. Then Shane came over and met us at Keatons, and the three of us went over to Sams on fucking Corunna road (I thought he meant the one in Grand Blanc - much closer) and put in applications.

So then as the only person reading this knows, we went over to see Nicci and help her get some food at Meijers, and we all - oh yeah, stopped by Grants to talk to his mom- had some fun.

On top of all of this, Clayton has this place he wants to take me. I have no idea where it is, but its supposed to be some special surprise, I don't know. Its so sweet though, I can't wait. After hanging out with Nicci for a bit he was going to take me to this place, which is FOREVER away, but it was apparently closed or something, so we couldn't. We then returned to hang out with Nicci for a bit more, before heading back to my house.

We also decided that we would go and have a picnic at this place he wants to take me instead and during the day, since I've been wanting to go on a picnic for a long time.

Today I had to study like all hell since its the last day I can do my psychology exam up at the library for the distance learning class I'm taking. It DIDN'T quite work out as planned since Clayton had to be a pleasant little bastard and distract me... but I'm really quite glad he did. In the end studying and note taking didn't go nearly as well as I had hoped (I can actually use as MANY notes as I want on the exam, so long as they aren't photocopies from the book, which is awesome) and pretty soon after this I had to get going to school.

So Clayton dropped me off, and again, today has just been a fantastically happy day between us. I think I gave him a few sour looks about smoking, but only briefly, and didn't go overboard about it. Anyway, the quiz went better than expected, though not quite as well as hoped, either. But its over, and that makes me happy.

We sat around and the four of us played Tales of the Abyss, which was pretty cool. I bought the multi-tap, but its stupid because it won't work for MY PS2, since its a big one, but only on the thin ones, even though the lady said it was for the big ones. -___- so gay. But still. We had a bit of trouble hooking it up, but in the end it was pretty sweet.

Not much else went on, other than when Kelly and Adam stopped by, but I don't really feel like talking about that right now anyway. :/ But! Clayton agreed to spend the night again, since I really do think Megan enjoys being alone with Keaton and stuff. Not that I don't obviously benefit from it too, but I could seriously understand if she felt a need to be alone with him and all of that. And this way, tomorrow, we can get up and get going pretty soon for our picnic. :3 Well, hopefully we can anyway. A day later, and I am extremely excited about this little trip. *_* No ones ever did this sort of romantic thing for/with me before, so its just... kind of breath-taking, I guess? *sigh*

Right now we are hanging out with Nicci again, and I bought her some toilet paper as well. :D She is playing .hack//G.U. and Clayton is playing Tales of the World. I would really like to get home though so I can play Shadow Hearts and maybe take a shower before sleepage. >3 I want to look really nice tomorrow if I can. >;}

Aaaanyway. I think that shall be all for now.

(This video was just pretty... :/ )

"What If We Could"

What if we could
Put our lives on
Hold and meet some
Where inside of the world
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

2, 3, 4...

On a park bench
On a skyscrape
On a mountain
Oh yeah, whatever it takes
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

I'm glad to say that we've met
But I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't
On our side

So go on
Go on be your own
Go on be your own star

What if we could?
Where would we go?
If it felt right
Would you want me to know
I would meet you
Would you meet me

It's like a last chance
For a first dance
You're a sunrise
Can't somehow exist
I would meet you
Would you meet me

I'm glad to say that we've met
But I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't
On our side

So go on
Go on be your own
Go on be your own star

A superstar in my eyes
In my eyes

Look in my eyes
Just look in my eyes
My eyes
My eyes!!!

What if we could
Put our lives on
Hold and meet some
Where inside of the world
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

On a park bench
On a skyscrape
On a mountain
Oh yeah, whatever it takes
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

God I would
God I would
I would meet you
Would you meet me

I would meet you
I would meet you
I would meet you



"Come In Closer"

The first born, my heart will call Truly
A God-like boy of the sky
The fog hissed away like a movie
And serpents go home for the night
The thundercloud rain hits the freeway
The clowns put on makeup for show
The nightfall, my skin crawl kind of evening
And how the wind she blows
How the wind she blows

[Chorus]
I want you to come closer
Come in closer. Come in closer.
I want you to come in closer
Come in closer. Come in closer.
I want you to come in closer, in closer

Come dancing with devils
Need not to know their names
We'll waltz like an army
For the fear of our pain
Our souls become useless
As the day they were born
In a rusted arm rocking chair
Away from your storm

But still, the truth remains lethal
A lie made by man
Where my shoes become hammers
And my words become sand
Like a sour patch, a wedding batch
Of roses you threw across my floor
In the rusted arm rocking chair
Away from your storm

[Chorus]
I really do



"Independently Happy"

I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
I still want the girl that really caught my eye.
But, she lives in Oklahoma City, far away from me.
An empty hope chest.
Quit the dope quest,
And remain independently happy

I'm finally happy...happy... independently happy...

I deal with the fact that I've forgotten the worst.
I feel that my social behavior may seem somewhat unrehearsed.
Another page,
A sullen rage,
And I'll be back to my normal self.

And I'm finally happy...happy... independently happy...

I drive to the edge of my considerate plain.
I apologize to the people I hurt on the way.
I wipe the slate clean
I kick the daydream,
And remain independently happy.

I'm finally happy...happy... independently happy...

So, todays mostly been uneventful. Woke myself up at 10:30 A-fucking-M, and dragged myself over to Keaton's to drag Clayton out of bed. Then we both laid down as soon as we got back to my house, watched Gilmore Girls, and passed out, before my mom woke us up, sending me off to pick Christian up, since she and my dad were going to Ann Arbor to get my dads chemo... So I pick Christian up and bring him home, and my parents are leaving and tell me he hasn't ate at all today and to try and get him to eat or drink something. I walk in the house and Jayden's in his high chair munching away on some lunchables, and Clayton's washing dishes, which he told me he was going to do them so that I could get the credit, but my dad ended up walking in on him doing it. >D;;;; But it still made me extremely happy either way.

Of course, Christian wouldn't eat though... But Clayton actually got Christian to do something I haven't seen (personally) anyone else do. Be quiet. He told Christian to sit on the couch and drink his milk, and after that he could get up and play. Christian kept messing around, so then Clayton took the toys and put them back in the room. What amazed me about all of this, was that Christian just sat there, quiet, the entire time. Didn't scream, cry, fuss, or throw a tantrum, just sat there, and ended up falling asleep. I even tried asking him if he wanted hot cereal instead of milk, but he said he wanted milk... and just... never drank. :/ *sigh* The kids a mystery.

So now the kids are just running about quietly entertaining themselves, Claytons lazing on the couch, and I've got a SPLIT moment to do some laundry and respond to some RPs (though no ones posted anything too interesting at the moment). I've got class at 6:00 though, so I need to start getting ready-ish for that... and Kerri STILL isn't home.

Oh, which reminds me. My phones fucking... broken. Don't know HOW. Its just fucked up. A handfull of the buttons (mostly vital buttons like the green send button, the volume, the down and right directional buttons, the right-sided confirm button, and the voice command button, and a few numbers) won't work. NO FUCKING CLUE. Its pissing me off a TON though because I have some really nice pictures on there, notably one UBER SEXY pic of Clayton that I have as my background at the moment. ; ~ ; I will cry a great torrential flood of tears if the phone continues to go downhill... And I KNEW I should have been sending those pictures to my computer... and just, kept fucking putting it off like an idiot. - _ -;;

Ah vell. Cest le vi.


HAHAH, Clayton just called me upstairs. Kerri brought Dominic over.


Joy;.

Alrighty, so my first ACTUAL post. At 3-fucking-AM... I'm so tired and hungry. ~ . ~;; But my day. Was pretty good. I woke up and freaked because Clayton wasn't in bed, and kinda jumped up and looked around, before noticing he was laying on the floor... I blinked a couple of times and just.... passed out again. No, wait, actually. I think I got a banana and cup of water, thinking I was actually awake, and then ended up passing out again. So once I finally woke up, my sister asked me to go grab her a few things at the store, which I agreed to, seeing as we had to get him out of the house anyway. Amusingly, my sister is typically entirely aware of when he's over, probably -ok, definately- because she used to do the exact same thing. So, we both get ready, and he hops out the window... and of course, it was freaking pouring out. I felt so bad. I was like, RUNNING out the door almost as soon as he got out and hurried to go pick him up a little ways down the road.

And then, the poor things not feeling good. He caught something from Kerri and the kids, and he was just miserable the whole shopping experience. I told him I could drop him off at Keaton's, but he refused. Lucky, too... since the cars so damn low on gas. >_<; Buuut, anyway. After all of the shopping - during which I finally got my Udon Soup and Fruity Pebbles, for which I am UBER happeh - we returned back to my house, where we lounged around the house for... quite awhile, watching the House marathon. I was asking him to stay over again for the night, since I was feeling the odd, strong, urge to be extremely nurturing and... I don't know... take... care of him. But he insisted on going back to Keatons. So, I made him a goody back to go, and took him back over there. I guess I just couldn't really understand why he'd wanna go over there with his allergies and three cats... He says Reno's still got fur and whatever still floating in the room, but at least hes not IN the room CRAWLING and sleeping on him like Moogle does. (WAAAH, Moogle's so durn cute~~ >D) But, ah vell. I can understand he doesn't wanna stay over here too much right now.

So, after dropping him off, I went over to Grants to hang out for awhile, talking about... God, whatever we girls talk about. (Clayton insists on calling Grant my 'girlfriend', which amuses us both greatly). After awhile though, I was getting to feel a bit tired, and I have to babysit Jayden, sooo... I departed. And then came to sit here for pointless hours working on this journal. :3

Yesterday was an extremely fun day, too. I went to go pick Clayton up at Keatons, around two, but was feeling kind of weird about it for some reason. Megan was staying over there with Keaton, and I was kind of thinking... you know... that its weird just going over there unannounced to pick Clayton up. I mean, HE knows, but I'm not sure if he tells Keaton, and then I'm knocking on the door waking them up... and... yeah, I feel bad. But no one answered the door, and I was feeling in an odd mood.

Since we've been going out... and I kid you not, Clayton and I have spent nearly EVERY day together in some way, shape, or form. But I dunno, I just felt the urge to... do something else. It was weird. So I awkwardly texted Grant to see if I could go chill with him, but didn't realize he'd responded until I got home, which, I'd planned on popping some manga and music on my flashie for him. He asked for the PSP, which... Clayton had. But I told him I could probably get it. (This time, I'd have more of a clear-cut purpose, so I'd knock a little louder than I had. >D)

So an hour later, with us texting back and forth and me putting tons of shit on my flash for him, I leave and head over to Keaton's again, knock, and find out Megan's there alone, sleeping, and not feeling so good. She explained that Keaton had gone to work, and Dylan had come over and picked Clayton up earlier in the day. So I asked for the PSP, which she gave to me, and after saying goodbye went along on my marry way, feeling a kinda bad just leaving her there alone, but I guessed she wasn't feeling good anyway, so, maybe it was for the best.

So I proceeded to Grant's house with tons of fun shit in hand, and chilled for a couple of hours doing all sorts of shit... Talking, gaming, working on our game, eating popcorn. Finally I decided I was gonna get going since the rain was getting to me and I was feeling a bit tired. Halfway home, though, I decided to stop over my Keaton's again. Now, as mentioned, Clayton and I have been with each other a lot, so I was kinda... weirded out by not seeing him I guess? So I had that natural desire to go track him down... But at the same time, I remembered Nicci and I had talked about having girl time with her, me, and Megan. So stopping by at Keaton's would serve one of two purposes. Find Clayton. Or go with Megan, whichever came first. I'm glad I went with the latter though. I had more of a purpose with it too, so I think, again, that weird mood of mine of the day was in control.

So Megan opens up again, and I propose going to the mall, just the three of us. She gets ready, and then we go to pick Nicci up at Dylan's. Dylan's car isn't there, so I'm thinking 'Haha! Him and Clayton are probably out doing what-the-hell-ever, and Nicci's probably sitting there watching anime.' So, Megan and I walk in, and indeed, theres someone sitting in front of the computer, but its Clayton. Kinda threw me for a loop there, since everything was so beautifully planned in my head.

So Clayton informed us that Nicci and Dylan went over to his parents house for dinner, and Megan and I sat around with him, watching YouTube videos and me, listening to him and Megan debate over the hotness of Jessica Alba. Finally, Nic and Dylan came back, and after more YouTube videos, the three of us departed for the mall.

Of course, by this time, it was 7:30, and I was having second thoughts about burning up my gas to go to the Valley. The rain ended up getting extremely bad though... I could hardly see, and it was already getting dark, so we decided to settle for Courtland, and really, ended up having some fun. We wandered through Steve and Barry's, then went through Icing playing with all the stuff, and finally ended up at Sephora fucking around with all of the make-up and having far too much fun with it. My face was mauled by powders, perfumes, and shit I can't remember the name of, but my skin looked oh-so-much better for it... But I still maintain that I despise make-up. Its too much work, and makes my skin feel so cakey and... gross. >.< Light eyeliners are probably going to be the only one I'll be doing any time other than on special occasions.

But yeah. There was more that occurred after that, including me and Clayton ending up at Grants until nearly four in the fucking morning, something my mum was none too happy about. But it all worked out nicely in the end.

Blagh, so tired now though... And... foooooood... My Udon Noodles await meh~ * ¬ *

My first post here. I figured; a new journal for a new start. I'm sure I'll go back and post on the others from time to time, for memories sake... or hell, for icons' sake, whatever, but I wanted something fresh... Something new. Technically 'exodus' is a large group of people, but I've never really... used it that way? I mean, I have, but I also like the meaning of it for one person. There was an "Exodus" card in a fanfic (which was sort of like a tarot card) I read, and they said that the meaning of it, for the person the card was pulled for, was that it "represents a journey to a conclusion. You get yourself together and make a decision. You travel a great distance".

So, 'Daily Exodus' is just how it would sound, or at least to me. A daily coming to terms with everything.

The actual title (presently, and possibly tentatively), is 'PRIDE // a sad journey', a song by AKINO from the anime 'Genesis of Aquarion. I'm learned to have more pride in myself. To have more pride in my feelings, even if it means that I have to betray the feelings of people who are extremely important to me... And thus the last part 'a sad journey'... Its not a desire to betray and leave those people and those things behind... that innocence behind, but it seems like something I feel I've been pushed into doing. No choice, but to move foreward. Again, we come to my exodus.

I scoured through quite a few songs for the subtitle... Finally, I decided on lyrics from Madonna's 'Jump', which I became oddly addicted to. The beats a bit repetitive, but catchy enough, the lyrics though are pretty deep and inspiring, really. Plus, the bit that I put as the subtitle connected well with the main title, I thought. They're pretty self-explanatory, though. For the longest time I've felt that way... I've always wanted to leave. I had a dream of it really; that I would save up enough money to by a ticket, train, or plain whatever it was, and go. Maybe tell my family, but otherwise, just leave. In recent years, the dream has faded... I became so smogged down by the day-to-day life... that I nearly forgot about it. When my boyfriend came into my life again, though, that began to change. We talked about wanting to get out of Michigan... live somewhere else. The dream began to become real again. I became determined again.

Finally the title of my friends page. 'Take your only fight, before you take a side', was a lyric from Fair to Midland's 'April Fools and Eggmen'. It was always a catchy tune, but I never really cared for it too much, until the friend who sent it to me and I parted ways. That line was inspired by that, too... With friends, its my warning to myself, and maybe even to them. Don't take a side. Pick your OWN fight. Thats what I ended up having to do... Even though it left me feeling alone in a way I hadn't felt before.


( AKINO - 'PRIDE, a Sad Journey' lyrics )

( Madonna - 'Jump' lyrics )

( Fair to Midland - 'April Fools and Eggmen' lyrics )